Top o' the News:
God Dead,
Terrorists on Rampage,
Women Massacred
by David L. Tamarin
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“I’ll get your cancer sticks, just shut up Sara� Nick hissed, drawing out her name so that it sounded like the lowest
thing in the world. “And don’t fucking do all my dope again or I’ll cut your nose and lips off�. Nick said things
like that a lot, and he meant them. Sara taunted him, thinking he was too much of a pussy to do anything. Despite the fact that
she had seen him rip two penguins and a baby seal into little pieces at the zoo. He also threw some little kid with a hairlip and a
weird ass mustache into the lions’ cage and they devoured him, fighting over the parts. The lion who could levitate had the
advantage and consumed the most of the little hairlipped boy. Nick told Sara he would be back when he felt like it.
Meanwhile, a coordinated world wide massacre took place; a mist turned the whole world red. It made for a pretty sunset.
Terrorists pulled out guns and bombs and began killing at the exact same time all over the world. Fires, freeway accidents,
plane crashes, spilled dinners, it all happened. Chaos snowballed around the Earth forming Fibonacci sequences and causing
insanity in chimpanzees and oak trees.
The next wave of terrorism was nationally coordinated killing sprees. Simultaneous sniper attacks. At exactly 10:30 AM
terrorists stationed in every city and county and town and locality in the United States and most of the Western world began
firing guns out the windows of their apartments, or from inside of their cars as they drove through traffic. They were on
rooftops, in high rises, houses, office buildings, everywhere when they began to shoot. All of the victims were women. If there
was a crowd of people one young woman’s head would explode, and then another’s and another’s, like an
infection spreading. The heads burst open like piñatas filled with a watermelon and spaghetti, and everyone around would
point and scream and duck down and wipe the brain chunks off their lips and faces, no one knew what to think. Then BANG!
Another woman goes down, blood leaking from the two holes in her chest, where the oxygen in her lungs and the blood in her
heart rush out to escape her body as she gags for air, coughs up blood and dies. But even before she is coughing up blood there
is another sound of thunder and this time a little girl goes down, six years old, lifeless and headless, the inside of her head now
drying on the pavement.
Did I mention Jesus was involved? I know I didn’t, that’s a goddamn rhetorical question. God was bored as fuck up in
Heaven. All the hot chicks and cool people were in Hell. God was surrounded by goody-goody Church goers and charity do-
gooders. These people pissed off God to such a degree he almost wanted to hand Heaven over to Satan, who sat on his throne
of bones and skin and smoked his hookah. Al Capone and Ivan the Terrible kept Satan company, but God was lonely.
One day God approached a young woman and asked her if she loved God, and if she was willing to prove it. She replied in the
affirmative. Boo-yah! God gets a little pussy. Maybe he’ll cheer up and stop with the fucking wars for a day or so. He
fucked that church-going bitch eight way to Sunday. God was male because this is a hierarchical society where men are the
norm and women are the “other�. Not that God gave a fuck. He was always drinking 40-ouncers of malt liquor, cheap-
ass shit, like Colt .45.
The young woman popped out a little baby- it was Jesus 2. God sent him to Earth to cause some trouble, fuck up the status
quo, tear shit the fuck up. After all he was God and did what the fuck he wanted. Didn’t you read that book, “Crime
and Punishment�? Shit, I meant, did you ever read that book “The Bible�. Not to toot my own horn but I ghost wrote
that whole fuckin’ book.
Jesus 2 was sent to the Earth as a Muslim terrorist and suicide bomber. He quickly rose to the top of the al-Quaeda hierarchy
until he was tea-bagging Osama bin-Laden. That was when Jesus 2 proposed his plan, which God had thought up. Random
attacks of women of childbearing age. Wipe out the population, destroy the fertile, and the young, and then see what happens.
Down with the Western world. Population Decimation.
By an administrative error Lt. Calley was in Heaven where he continued to massacre Vietnamese women and children. God
struck up a friendship with that silly little child-killer and they debated what was going to happen on Earth. So the big G came
down from Heaven and started plotting with terrorists so they could carry out God’s sadistic plan. Jesus 2 choked a
prostitute to death with her stockings Jack the Ripper-style and just laughed. He grabbed the corpse’s tit and fondled it.
Finally he was ready. Let the attacks begin he commanded. Everyone spoke Arabic and asked, in Arabic, what the fuck Christ
had just said. But then the translator, a midget with elephantitis of the left nostril and right ear, explained Jesus 2’s plan.
Motherfuckers went nuts. Cell phones called sleeping cells. Secret messages went up on the net with instructions. Newspapers
ran advertisement that were coded messages. It was one big conspiracy. If you looked hard enough you’d find Jack Ruby
in there somewhere. Then the rash of shootings across the world.
The population was decimated, as I already said. How many times will I have to fucking say it? Negative Population Growth to
the extreme. Everyone was in shock. The terrorists announced there would be another round of sniper attacks within the next
three weeks. Young girls and women who were of the child-bearing age were being hunted down like a witch in Salem, like an
underage boy in a San Francisco bath house. Millions and millions of women had died the day the misogynist terrorists first
attacked, and we all knew this was just the beginning. Total Terrorist Victory in sight. God didn’t even notice, he was too
busy hitting on Jayne Mansfield’s decapitated head. Her body was in Hell, due to yet another administrative error.
God remembered his game and looked down at the Earth and snickered to himself. He waved his arms and the president and
vice president of the United States both had spontaneous heart attacks and died. He could do shit like that, and more, like
making his son appear in tacos. God laughed so hard he started choking, and he fell to his knees, gasping for air, arms grabbing
at nothing. Too much nicotine and marijuana left his lungs weak and shriveled like a burst black balloon. He wanted so badly to
finish his game, it was even better than that “kill the first born son� game from awhile back. But cyanosis kicked in as
God’s heart and lungs strained for oxygen, and finding none, they ceased to function. God was dead. In Hell, Satan grinned
as Ivan the Terrible gave Nietzsche a golden shower.
Ivan was fucking mob deep, motherfucker. Nietzsche may have been insane but he knew not to fuck with Ivan and the Russian
mob. “Ivan go take place of God� he announced, planning on replacing God But Philip K. Dick beat him to it and
immediately began to fuck with everyone’s reality. People began disappearing and going backwards in time and forwards in
time and into other parallel universes and others melted together to form a rolling human mass with arms and legs sticking out.
Water turned to LSD and communion wafers into mescaline. Sex corpses walked the Earth setting shit on fire.
Philip K. Dick, now God, popped three “diet pills� and thought up more mischief. Everyone had insisted on a God, and
so they had made one, but the dumb-ass choked to death in front of a beat up old t.v. and a hooker corpse, and now Philip K.
Dick had replaced him. Things were going to change. God looked in his pill bottle and saw it was empty. He couldn’t do
shit without amphetamines, so he called Al Capone and told him to ship some immediately. Since teleportation had been
perfected, the drugs appeared right away. Why was Al Capone in Heaven? That’s another story, don’t get impatient.
Philip K. Dick was so happy he swallowed the whole bottle of amphetamines, began shaking, his mouth foaming, and then God
was dead of an overdose. Shit, that was two in one month. So the corporation in charge decided “Enough with this bullshit,
no more God� and thus Philip K. Dick was our last God. Meanwhile there were mass funerals for the assassinated women
of the world.
Back on Earth, Sara sat in her apartment with the lights out, waiting for Nick to get back from the store with her cigarettes. She
started to nod out until she spilled her drink on herself and she woke up startled. She checked the table. Thank God, didn’t
mess up the pile of brown powder and Nick’s works, he would have killed her and skullfucked her pet cat (if she had had
one) for ruining his drugs, his raison d’etre. When the shootings had taken place Sara had been passed out in the bathroom
being raped by two men known only as “The Kung Fu Brothers�. They were into necrophilia and fucking passed out and
doped up chicks. Everybody knew the Kung Fu Brothers. Sara realized that she had to be atheist, she knew God was dead,
she felt his death inside her toxin filled heart. Abraham Lincoln, who was watching Earth with Al Capone, gave the gangster a
five and said “You win again�.
Sara cut a small line for herself and snorted it by covering one nostril and inhaling through the other until her system had
absorbed the Heavenly substance. Shit! Nick had played another one of his tricks. He didn’t trust Sara so he replaced the
dope with ground up Draino flakes. Sara felt her face bleeding out through her nose, and by the time Nick came back she was
long dead, frozen in rigor mortis. The liquor store was right up the street but Nick was abducted by aliens on his way back. No
big deal, he thought, he had dropped her cigarettes anyway when the aliens were raping him. He tossed an empty pack from the
table at her corpse. “Those things’ll kill you.� He laughed at his joke, then began talking to himself. “I always
wanted to say that as a pun as if I were Arnold Schwarzennegger or Bruce Willis or Marlene Dietrich in some big budget
Hollywood action film with a title like: Die Now: The Destroyinator.� Nick laughed at his own speech, he was practically
manic, with all the women being shot and now Sara finally kicking it too.
For Nick, life was sweet. Because of a short attention span he didn’t understand the strange ways of women and therefore
he hated them. People hate what they don’t understand. That’s why quantum physics is always getting harassed and
math is treated as a second class citizen of a third world country. Yep, women were fucked up in the head. Nick looked over at
Sara’s corpse. He hated women but they turned him on, so Necro Nick, as he was known, crawled over to her body to
fuck it. Yes, life was sweet.
What about the terrorists and all that? You’ll have to wait and see.
END
