shannon barber

No one ever believes me when I tell this story but, people always ask me to tell it to them anyway. It's not
really that it's an unbelievable story, it's just that people don't want to believe it could happen to them.
Because if this can happen to the people it happened to, it could probably happen to you and who
wants this sort of thing to happen to them? There is a moral to this story and I'll tell it to you now so you
can just appreciate it without the parable bullshit.

The moral of the story is don't ever, ever fuck with geeks.

Before you even think it this isn't any 'Revenge of the Nerds' the geeks turn out to be super cool type
things, there is no happy ending here. After reading this you should never again snicker at the grown
man in the Harry Potter outfit, never again shake your head at the guy in the high water brown polyester
pants and orthopedic shoes, never again see a girl in too tight acid wash and a Def Leopard T-shirt and
glasses and know she'll never get laid. You just won't do it.

Not because it's not nice. Let's face it. None of us is nice. We can't help it. It's some primal instinct right?
Whatever. Do it because you know like I know that inevitably you will pick on the wrong geek.

So here we go.

Rufus is your typical kind of geek. He's got the trifecta of geekdom that's made him a target his whole
life, he's vaguely unattractive, exceedingly smart and doesn't know how to dress. He's always had
interests that confounded other kids and resulted in him getting beat fairly regularly in school. Even
when he went to college Rufus spent most of his time with other geeks, to them he was the King
because he is a sound engineering genius but, to everyone else he was just another jack ass to laugh
at.

I met Rufus a few years out of college at the studio we both work at. He's an all right kind of guy if you
can get past the geekness. He's got a pretty good sense of humor and a wicked music collection. Tell
you the truth he's a pretty cool guy.

I can say that about Rufus because I really like the dude. Sure he's a little odd but, fuck it we are all a
little odd.

So the trouble really started when we had this group of shit heel punker than thou pricks come into the
studio to record an album. These guys are the kind of punks other punks kick the shit out of. A bunch of
spoiled rich assholes who smash seven hundred dollar guitars because they know Mommy and Daddy
will buy them another one. The kind of punks who bring fashion punk skank groupies to the studio and
show off for them. The kind of punks who pass around groupies and crabs like they pass around badly
rolled joints.

You know these people, we all know these people. These are the people who in adulthood find it
necessary to pick on people they find uncool. Rufus was anti-cool to them. They wanted him working on
their record because he's a kick ass sound guy but, they couldn't be bothered in all their outstanding
punkness to pay him any respect. They called him names that he didn't quite catch onto real quick. You
know how some people will insult you with a smile on their face like it's all cool but, at some point you
realize it's not all fucking cool and they are just being assholes?

Rufus had that moment.

I don't know when Rufus finally realized that they were making fun of him. I didn't ask because that sort
of thing is pretty personal. What I do know is that Rufus put that big brain of his to work and came up
with the most beautiful and elegant revenge scheme I've ever seen.

Rufus called me late one night and asked if I'd come in for some thing the band wanted to do because
he wasn't sure he could handle everything by himself. I thought it was because the band was going to
have their A&R guy, their skanks and God knows who else there and I know he gets a little nervous
around crowds. I agreed of course, not like I had anything better to do.

I noticed when I got there that amidst the punks, skanks, greasy record people etc Rufus was moving
around silent as a monk. That in and of itself wasn't unusual, when Rufus is in the zone nothing else
really exists but, he had this look in his eye. Behind his crooked glasses he had a glint in his eye. I
chalked it up to getting laid.

I was right and wrong. Rufus had gotten laid but that wasn't why he had that look in his eye. Come to
find out (I know I digress) but Rufus gets more tail than anybody I know.

We sat in the booth together, twiddling knobs and waiting for everyone to migrate into the other room to
listen to the playback. This band thought they were so incredibly amazing they'd invited everyone they
could jam into that little room for an advance listen to their new shit.

Shit is right.

When they all got assembled Rufus hit playback and nudged me gave some little excuse about needing
help out in the hallway. By the time we made it into the hallway he was shaking with silent laughter. He
pointed me to the large picture window and just said watch.

As the band and entourage listened to the playback I watched a few of them start squirming. We all
know that squirm, it's the one you have before your bowels let loose with the wrath of God. Then it
started happening.

We watched as the seats of pants, the backs of bare legs started turning brown. Every single person in
that room was shitting him or herself and starting to panic. It was the single most terrible and beautiful
thing I've ever seen. When they rushed the door the bunched up and no one could get out.

None of them knew what to do, girls started crying, and some of the men did too. Some of the other guys
were screaming about poison in the food, the water. It was brilliant. All these fucks shitting themselves
simultaneously and not a one of them were smart enough to figure out what was going on.

Neither was I for that matter.

When I was able to turn my eyes away from the shitty spectacle Rufus was bent over and gasping for
breath he was laughing so hard. Hell I thought he was going to piss himself or faint. He slid down the wall
holding his gut with one arm, glasses in the other tears rolling down his bright red face. A big happy grin
on his face.

"Brown frequency. It's in the bass."

I got it all at once. Rufus had done what the Mythbusters had failed to do. What probably countless
other sound geeks had been trying to do for years. Rufus made a room full of people shit themselves
with sound.

We laughed for a little while longer then went and got ourselves arm loads of DAT's. He flipped the
music off and gave the best performance ever. He had gone from cackling psycho evil sound man to
meek mousy geek in 2.5 seconds.

"Oh no that's terrible. The bathroom is down that way."

Guys and girls with pant load after pant load walked by us. None would meet our eyes no one said a
word. We never saw those guys again in the flesh but, my man Rufus came through with the digital video
of the whole episode. Rufus kindly took the shit track out so we could watch. The video is outstanding
really. The way Rufus positioned the mics you could actually hear the first wet fart.

None of those guys ever talked about what happened as far as I know. Neither did the record people,
the skanks, and the hangers on. Our boss was pissed because he'd thought it was something the band
had done and we didn't bother to correct him.

Every now and then Rufus and I will look at each other and one of us will say shit, or make a fart noise
and we laugh so hard we fall off of whatever we're sitting on. We're still friends, we still work together
and I maintain that you should never, ever fuck with a geek.

You can believe me or not, you can keep picking on geeks or not. Just remember man, you find yourself
in a room full of people shitting themselves like some kind of fecaphaelic orgy, you will know you pissed
off the wrong geek.